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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25944646">Not So Different</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljrvs/pseuds/ownedbythestars'>ownedbythestars (ljrvs)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Linked by the Universe [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Character Development, Finn Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Friendship, Jessika Pava has a Past, Male-Female Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Slavery, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Jessika Pava, Recovery, Series, Stormtrooper Culture, Strong Female Characters, mentioned suicidal thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:48:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25944646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljrvs/pseuds/ownedbythestars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Kidnapped and sold into slavery by pirates, ‘harvested’ and raised by the First Order…” she mimes weighing the options in her hands. She turns to meet his eyes. “Life without options? Yeah. I get you.” </p><p>“You?” Finn’s eyes go wide with shock at this bombshell Jess dropped so casually.</p><p>“Not so different after all, are we?” she smiles ruefully. </p><p>___</p><p>Finn is starting to adjust to life in the Resistance. But something about the way Jess Pava acts around him confuses him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Finn &amp; Jessika Pava, Poe Dameron &amp; Finn, Poe Dameron &amp; Jessika Pava</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Linked by the Universe [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658350</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not So Different</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Part of my "Linked by the Universe" Series. AKA I read the entire Poe Dameron comic series in a 3 day period and decided that Jessika Pava needs more story time. So I wrote it for her.</p><p>Mostly canon, but with some creative license. I added like, 2 months between TFA and TLJ. It's fine. </p><p>Anything you think you recognize/think may have been stolen from another fandom, it's entirely possible. (Nothing stolen from other writers, though.) "Good writers borrow, great writers steal." -T.S. Eliot</p><p>Unbeta-ed, so if you see something, tell me. Or if you think I'm missing any tags. Kudos and comments adored!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>34 ABY</p><p>Three weeks had passed since his disastrous fight with Kylo Ren when Finn woke up in Resistance Medical, and another two weeks passed before he was released from medical and cleared for ‘very light duty’, according to Dr. Kalonia. As soon as he’s released from Medical, Poe wastes no time in showing Finn around the base. He gets looks from a lot of people on the base, ranging from suspicion to awe, but Poe tells him to ignore them. The tour ends in the hanger, where Poe introduces Finn to his friends. They’re all pilots and all have history with Poe that spans years. Finn makes a point to commit all of their names to heart: Karé Kun, Temmin “Call me ‘Snap’” Wexley, Iolo Anana, Niv Lek, and Jessika Pava.</p><p>The band of pilots welcome him into their group readily, equal parts grateful that he saved Poe’s life and fascinated by his Stormtrooper history. They all treat him with the same sense of comradery that they have for each other. None of them ever seem to even remember he’s a former Stormtrooper.</p><p>Except for Jess. Jess, he’s began to notice, is different with him.</p><p>It takes Finn a while to notice her behavior, but when he does, he can’t NOT notice.</p><p>Finn tries to put his finger on it, but can’t quite place what <em>it</em> is. Jess is everything Finn has come to associate with the Resistance pilots: smart, loud, creative, boisterous, and bouncing with unspent energy—like the adrenaline never quite leaves their systems. Plus, they all seem to ooze with confidence and bravado. What sets Jess apart from the others, though, remains a mystery to him.</p><p>It’s small things, really—things no one else would realize it unless they were looking for something. And it’s certainly not bad or unfriendly—it’s almost the opposite, really. No, it’s just…different.</p><p>When everyone laughs at the table in the mess, Finn often notices Jess glance at him before laughing, as if to see if he gets the joke and thinks it’s funny or is offended by it.</p><p>When tempers are raised, he notices that Jess will move to be slightly between him and everyone else in the room, save maybe Poe. <em>It’s almost…protective?</em> Finn thinks. It confuses him, whatever it is.</p><p>When anything about the First Order—or especially Stormtroopers—comes up, Finn notices how she keys into the conversation, whether or not she was a part of it to begin with, and seems to pay special attention to his reactions.</p><p>When he feels overwhelmed or confused, he’s noticed that Jess is always right there, helping him in a subtle way—a whispered explanation, a nod in one direction or another, a subtle point, or narrowed options are favorite methods of hers, it seems.</p><p>It’s not that Jess treats him like he’s fragile or naïve or needs to be protected, like some of the other Resistance Fighters do. She speaks plainly and bluntly to him, like she does with everyone, and never shies away from telling him a dirty joke or making a snarky remark. She’s also the one to nickname him “Troopa”. The whole rec room is silent after the name passes her lips for the first time—that is until Finn laughs. He likes the tone she uses when she says it and that she drops the “R” at the end. Mostly, he likes that she uses it encouragingly and endearingly as opposed to oppressively or dismissively. Poe is furious with her when he finds out, but Jess argues that it’s always easier to call out the bantha in the room with a joke than it is to ignore it. Finn agrees with Jess’s logic and the nickname sticks, at least amongst the pilots. No one else is quite brave enough to say it. Poe still rolls his eyes anytime someone says it.</p><p>She’s also the first person to agree to a sparring match with him, despite their size difference. Finn has the years of Stormtrooper training and muscle mass, but Jess is creative and quick, making them a strangely equal challenge for each other. The match is fast paced, forcing both Finn and Jess to think and move instinctively rather than regimentedly. Both end up with as many bruises as not, and Jess gets a split lip. It ends quickly, though, when Jess manages to take advantage of a rare opening and Finn takes an elbow to the nose and it won’t stop bleeding. He ends up in Medical, much to his surprise—because why would you waste resources on the broken nose of someone who lost a fight?—and Dr. Kalonia’s disapproval. Jess decides to call it a tie since they both ended up bleeding.</p><p>She’s the first one to realize that he didn’t like being approached from behind or being touched when he didn’t expect it. She’d been the one to stumble upon him in the midst of an anxiety attack and had calmed him enough to go to Medical and see a doctor. Dr. Kalonia wasn’t disapproving of this visit, even if it was once again Jess at his side. After that day, Jess had started to telegraph her movements to him—something she did long before anyone else picked up on it. Everyone except Poe, he’d started doing it, too. Finn wonders if she’s the one who clued Poe in. He doesn’t let it worry him.</p><p>Jess works on teaching him what she refers to as ‘the fine art of sarcasm’ and is one of the first people Finn looks for if he doesn’t know if someone is joking or not. She’s always honest with him and never judges his questions. Jess has even pulled him in on a few pranks, but he has been on the receiving end just as well. She teases him easily, as she does with everyone, but seems to be even more aware of where his boundaries lie.</p><p>No, it’s certainly not dislike. He knows that. Jess seeks him out, even when Poe isn’t around. She makes eye contact with him and smiles when he talks to her. He’s even heard rumors that she confronts people who make snide comments about his past, once landing a tech in medical with an injured wrist. He doesn’t ever try to confirm that rumor.</p><p>Not that Finn minds. Poe does essentially the same things for him, but it’s somehow different with Jess. Even though he knows that Poe is his friend, a small part of Finn’s mind worries that Poe sticks around only because he feels obligated to since Finn saved the saved the pilot’s life. Jess has no obligation to care about him, but does anyway. It’s kind of nice, once he thinks about it. He never mentions it to anyone, but also never fails to notice what she does.</p><p>It all comes to a head one night. Poe is off world on some secret mission and Rey is…wherever she and Chewbacca went.</p><p>Finn wakes from a nightmare with a shout. It takes him a few minutes to remember where he is. Ghosts in white armor are slow to fade from sight and the crisp orders from Captain Phasma are still ringing in his ears.</p><p>He gets up, unable to close his eyes. Unwilling to go back <em>there</em>, even if it is only in a dream. It’s late. Or actually, it’s early—too early for most of the base to be awake yet. Usually when this happens, Finn looks for Poe. The pilot keeps the strangest hours—though Finn suspects it’s the man’s own nightmares that keep him awake. But Poe isn’t here this time. So, Finn chooses another option.</p><p>He makes his way to the physio-room, where he pummels a punching bag until his arms feel limp at his sides and he can’t tell if it’s sweat or tears running down his face. It might be both.</p><p>Physically spent, he sinks down in the corner, sitting on the floor with his knees pulled to his chest, trying to regain control of his too-fast breathing that he knows is not exclusively the result of his workout. He still feels like if he looks over his shoulder, Captain Phasma will be right there, ready to send him to reconditioning.</p><p>Or to decommission him.</p><p>He’s not sure which sounds worse anymore. Before, being decommissioned was the threat no one talked about—the ultimate failure. Now…now he can’t imagine being reconditioned and losing everything he’s gained—can’t imagine being hollowed out again by the First Order only to be filled back up with their lies.</p><p>A cool bottle of water is pressed to his arm, snapping him out of his thoughts. Finn looks up to see Jess—still slightly bleary eyed—offering the cup to him. Behind her, he can see the pale grey of a pre-sunrise morning.</p><p>“Thanks,” Finn murmurs, accepting the water. He wonders how long it’s been since he sat down—his skin feels cold and clammy having not cooled down properly.</p><p>“Don’t mention it,” she smiles. “Mind if I sit?”</p><p>Finn shrugs. He’s never had to decide of someone could sit with him or not before, it always was just…where someone sat. This is just one of many new things he doesn’t really understand, but has decided he won’t ask about.</p><p>“Great,” she sinks to the ground next to him. They sit quietly as Finn sips the water.</p><p>Jess breaks the silence. “You’ve been holding back.” A sly grin is on her face.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Finn tries to feign ignorance.</p><p>“On the mat. When we’ve sparred before, it’s always been a good fight, but based on what I just saw…you’ve held back.”</p><p>Finn sighs and takes another drink of the water. “I was top in my company for hand to hand.”</p><p>“So why do you hold back?”</p><p>“First Order wants you to go for the kill. So during training…you went for injury. If you didn’t—it was worse for both of you,” he finishes lamely, remembering how Poe had responded when the same conversation had come up a few weeks ago.</p><p>He's surprised when Jess laughs. “Glad I didn’t know that before I broke your nose." They lapse again into comfortable silence.</p><p>“Credit for your thoughts, Troopa?” Jess asks eventually, her eyes still focused on the far side of the room.</p><p>“How did you find me here?” Finn asks.</p><p>Her lips quirk into a quick smile. “Just a feeling,” her voice is casual.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because it’s where I come when I have a nightmare.”</p><p>Finn doesn’t know how she knows he had a nightmare. He’s not sure he wants the answer, but can’t stop himself from asking. “How did you…”</p><p>“No one puts in a workout like you did at the hour you did for no reason.”</p><p>“I…um…sorr—”</p><p>“Don’t apologize. It’s fine. It’s cool,” Jess rolls her head to stretch her neck. “No judgement. I get it.”</p><p>“Get what?” Finn asks.</p><p>“You.”</p><p>“No offense, but I don’t thi—”</p><p>“Kidnapped and sold into slavery by pirates, ‘harvested’ and raised by the First Order…” she mimes weighing the options in her hands. She turns to meet his eyes. “Life without options? Yeah. I get you.”</p><p>“You?” Finn’s eyes go wide with shock at this bombshell Jess dropped so casually.</p><p>“Not so different after all, are we?” she smiles ruefully.</p><p>“Who all knows?”</p><p>She rolls her head against the wall, looking back at the far wall. “Who <em>all </em>knows? I dunno. Who all knows because I’ve <em>told</em> them? Poe—obviously, Poe’s dad Kes, Karé, Niv, Snap’s mom and stepdad—oddly enough, a couple of psytechs, General Organa…and you,” she counts them off on her fingers. "Muran knew, too, before he died."</p><p>“What about Snap and Iolo?” he asks.</p><p>“I haven’t told them myself. But I’m pretty sure they know. I’d guess that Karé told Snap at some point, since they’re married and all. Iolo…he’s known me for a long time. He’s smart and I think he’s probably worked it out for himself by now. They’ve both done ‘the hug’, too.”</p><p>“The hug?”</p><p>“Oh yeah. You’ll get it eventually, too. It’s that moment where they come and hug you like they’re never going to let anything near you again. Like you’re some baby Ewok they want to protect from the world. It usually only happens to me when people find out about my past.” She sighs and meets his eyes again. “Come on, let’s go for a walk,” she nudges him and gets to her feet, offering him a hand up. Finn takes her hand and stands. He grabs Poe’s—<em>his jacket</em>, he reminds himself—and follows Jess out into the grey pre-dawn morning.</p><p>They cross the tarmac, avoiding getting in the way of the skeleton night crew, and veer off on one of the trail running loops. It’s cool outside and Finn is grateful for the jacket. Jess has zipped her black jacket all the way up and buried her chin and nose in the upturned collar for warmth.</p><p>Finn takes a moment to observe Jess. She’s quieter than he’s used to. More mellow. Serious, even. All of the normal pilot bravado and confidence is still there, but toned down. Maybe it’s just because it’s before sunrise and she’s not had any caf yet. Or maybe Finn is seeing some part of Jess that she does not allow the rest of the world to see.</p><p>They walk until the sounds from base can no longer be heard before Jess speaks. “Care to tell me about it? The nightmare, I mean.”</p><p>Finn hesitates and resolutely looks into the forest. He can’t bring himself to meet Jess’s eyes when he tells her about the First Order—Poe’s looks of horror were more than enough, he didn’t need to see Jess’s, too. He takes a deep breath before beginning. “I’ve had them before. They start the same every time. I ‘wake up’ in my dream and I’m back with the First Order. Sometimes, it’s like I never left and I’m assigned to…remove Poe’s body from the cell and clean his blood off the floor. Other times, they find me and take me back to be reconditioned. And then I’m the one strapped down, being tortured for defecting. It’s like before: I have no name—just FN-2187. And I can’t for the world remember which is a dream in that moment. I usually wake up when I’m about to be sent to reconditioning or decommissioned.”</p><p>“Which was it tonight?” Jess asks.</p><p>“A little of both. They had found me and taken me back. I’d been reconditioned and returned to my assignment with sanitation. It was like I was trapped in my own mind: I still remembered everyone and everything from the Resistance, but I couldn’t control my body. I was sent to clean the interrogation chamber—and Poe was there. Even with my helmet on, he recognized me. He was dying and with his last breath, he called me a traitor,” Finn confesses.</p><p>Jess listens quietly and nods when he’s finished, considering. Finn risks a glance over to see what her expression is. He thinks that her jaw might have tightened, but she seems to control her feelings better than Poe does. Whenever Finn’s experience in the First Order comes up, Poe’s face shows a volatile mixture of rage and sadness. Jess’s face is more neutral—controlled.</p><p>“You don’t seem surprised,” Finn says. “Did you know?”</p><p>“Poe told me a little bit about what happened to you.”</p><p>Finn lets out a sharp breath. “Kriff.”</p><p>“Don’t be mad at him,” Jess offers a small smile. “He only said anything because he’s worried about you. He thought that maybe I could help or something.” She takes a deep breath and stares straight ahead. “Finn, you know that you’re safe here, right?” she asks finally.</p><p>“Yeah, I mean…but…”</p><p>“No. No buts,” she stops and turns to face him, meeting his eyes. “You’re safe here.”</p><p>“Jess…” he trails off and looks away over her shoulder to steel himself. “I…I want to feel safe here, but…it’s…it’s hard.”</p><p>“Why is it hard?” she asks, concern coloring her voice. He can tell she’s not judging him—she truly wants to know. He realizes that she actually cares about him, which is a something he’s still not totally familiar with.  </p><p>“I’m still a Stormtrooper to a lot of people,” he says softly, starting to walk again, but stopping only few paces later. “And they don’t trust me. I don’t blame them, either. I know—<em>kriff</em> do I know—that this <em>isn’t </em>the First Order, but…it’s hard for me to remember that the Resistance isn’t going to decide that I’m expendable. To remember that if I don’t somehow <em>prove </em>my usefulness, that I won’t be left behind or decommissioned or worse…sent back. To remember that the people here—even the ones who still see a Stormtrooper—aren’t a threat.”</p><p>Jess stands in the sleeping forest and lets his words echo around the trees.</p><p>“I can’t go back, Jess. I won’t. Not alive,” he whispers fiercely. “I’ll kill myself first.” He looks hard at the ground as he confesses something he has never told anyone else. Not even Poe. Stars. Especially not Poe.</p><p>A hand lands on his shoulder, startling him from the dark place his mind had started to go. “Hey Finn, I need you to hear me loud and clear on this, okay? Cause I don’t want you to think like that <em>ever again. </em>You’ll never have to go back. The First Order…they won’t get you here. Not with us.” She speaks slowly and annunciates each word, as if to ensure that they would be heard. “I won’t let them.”</p><p>“You don’t know them like I do,” he can’t bring himself to meet her gaze.</p><p>“Oh, absolutely not,” she allows. “I'd never assume that I do. But on the flip side, you don’t know the Resistance like I do. Those people, the ones you say see a Stormtrooper? Maybe that’s true—they might. It’s also true that half of the people here have their own past or connections that they’d like to forget—me, Poe, Snap…even General Organa. But anyone who’s here is here because they believe in fighting for something bigger. And if you’re here, that includes you, too. It doesn’t matter what they think privately, because they will <em>never </em>send you back or leave you behind,” she reaches over his shoulder to his back and touches the top of the scar that runs the length of his spine. “You have a permanent reminder right here: The Resistance doesn’t cut bait. Your usefulness doesn’t affect your right to be here—or to be alive. I want you to know that we will take care of you. That you are <em>anything </em>but expendable to us. To me.” She smiles softly. “I believe in heroes,” she says with a shrug.</p><p>“I know that in my mind, but…believing it…that I belong here…that’s taking longer.”</p><p>“That’s ok. It can take longer. Sometimes it does. Took a while for me to believe that I belonged at the Academy and then again here with the Resistance. Take as long as you need.  Because it doesn’t matter how long it takes. You are <em>here</em>. You belong <em>here.</em> And you will never have to be <em>there</em> again.”</p><p>Finn finally looks up to meet Jess’s gaze. “If they come, they’re gonna…” he can’t finish the thought.</p><p>“Let them come,” Jess says, her voice fierce. It’s the voice of one of the most dangerous pilots in the Resistance. The voice of someone who will fight to protect those they care about. “Because to get anywhere near you, they’ll have to go through me. And I don’t back down.”</p><p>Finn holds her gaze and sees the promise in her eyes as the certainty of her words echoes in his mind. He has no doubt that she means every word of it. He clings to that promise and lets her words drown out Phasma’s voice and squash the uncertainty in his mind. He opens his mouth to respond, but realizes he doesn’t have the words, and closes his mouth again before nodding.</p><p>“Good,” Jess offers a softer smile, “good.”</p><p>The two continue their walk, watching as the orange light slowly illuminates the air around them.</p><p>“Tell me the truth: how did you know where to look for me?” Finn finally asks.</p><p>“BB-8,” she grins.</p><p>“Figures,” he huffs a laugh.</p><p>“Don’t give them a hard time. Just doing what I asked. And what Poe asked.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“Keep an eye on you when we can’t. I know what it’s like to go from having no options to what feels like too many options. To feel out of place…out of sync after…someone goes through something like we have.”</p><p>“That’s why you watch me all the time, isn’t it?” he realizes.</p><p>She laughs. Finn likes how it seems to hang in the trees. “Kriff, you noticed? Am I that obvious?”</p><p>“No, I just…realized it recently,” Finn replies lamely. “You’re different with me than the other pilots. And pretty much everyone else for that matter.”</p><p>Jess sighs. “You’re right. I do watch you—more than the other pilots—who also watch out for you, so you know—and certainly more than everyone else on base, and sometimes maybe even more than Poe. That’s up for debate, though.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Is that up for debate? Because everyone loves Poe. I dare you to find someone here that doesn’t think he hung the kriffing stars in the sky. And Poe is friendly with all of them, but…he keeps his friend circle small and close. Sure, he’s the first to rattle off a joke or snarky quip, but he’s intensely private about personal stuff unless you’re in his inner circle, if you will. You need to understand something about Poe Dameron, if you haven’t figured it out already: the way Poe does friendship is that once he decides he likes someone and that he wants to be their friend, he’s all in. It doesn’t matter: whatever, wherever, whenever—he’ll have your back, no questions asked. His loyalty is unshakable. And from the moment you decided to get off that Star Destroyer and that you would take him with you…buddy, he was all in. You earned his loyalty for <em>life.</em> So yeah, he watches you very closely.”</p><p>“I needed a pilot,” he replies sheepishly.</p><p>“Like that makes one quark of difference to that flyboy. He’s alive because of you. You got him in your corner for life.”</p><p>Finn doesn’t have words for that, either. He’s never had a friend like that before—<em>Stormtroopers don’t have friends</em>, he thinks—and to know that he now has one for life? It’s a lot to take in. But that certainly sounds like the man he’s gotten to know over the past few weeks. “How do you know that? Did he say something?”</p><p>Jess laughs. “How do I know that? First hand experience. That wasn’t the first Star Destroyer he had to get his ass rescued from. First time a Stormtrooper helped him out, though.”</p><p>“What—” Finn starts to consider exactly what <em>that</em> means and starts to ask, but Jess continues.</p><p>“Did he say something, though? Nah. I mean, not out loud at least. Poe Dameron isn’t much of a talker when it comes to feelings like those. He’s all about the action or the grand gesture.” She grins conspiratorially. “You want to know something about Poe Dameron?”</p><p>Finn looks uncertainly at Jess. “Will he be mad if you tell me?”</p><p>Jess purses her lips, considering. “Annoyed, maybe, but not mad. And certainly not at you. If he’s annoyed, all of that will be firmly aimed at me.”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me anything if it’ll upset him.”</p><p>Jess waved him off. “Worth you knowing. That jacket of his that you’re wearing? The one he gave you? That belonged to his Dad. That is original Rebellion-era Pathfinder gear you’ve got there. And Poe wouldn’t give that up for just anyone—that’s how I know you’ve got him for life.”</p><p>Finn’s face fell. He hadn’t realized how important the jacket was to Poe. “I almost ruined it. I <em>did </em>ruin it. Poe had to repair it.”</p><p>“You battled Kylo Ren with a kriffing <em>lightsaber. </em>I promise, that is the absolute best excuse you could ever have for ruining that jacket.” She looks over at him. “And Poe <em>repaired it for</em> <em>you.</em> Finn, you gotta remember, he might love it and there may be sentimental value to it, but at the end of the day…it’s just a jacket.” she sighs. “You weren’t awake, but Poe was in your hospital room more often than he wasn’t while you were hurt. If he wasn’t in the cockpit of his ship, he was in your room. He would’ve given up everything he owns if it meant you’d live. If that jacket was the price for your life, he would have paid it ten times over.”</p><p>“I’m not worth—”</p><p>“Stop that. You are worth <em>so much more</em> than you give yourself credit for. You’re priceless, Finn. Poe thinks so, and so do I.”</p><p>Finn doesn’t know how to respond to this. His entire life, he’s been a tool, a weapon, a thing to be used and cast aside when his use is up. He’s never been <em>worth </em>anything, not even a jacket. He can hear Phasma’s voice in his head, calling them all <em>worthless. </em>But standing here, free of the white armor, free of the First Order, and hearing Jess tell him that he’s <em>priceless…</em>that’s just too much for him to comprehend right now. He clears his throat and changes the subject back to his original question. “No, but…what I meant was why do you watch me?”</p><p>She gives him a look, but allows the change of subject. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this thing alone. Cause doing it alone—it sucks.”</p><p>“Was it hard?” he asks before he can stop himself.</p><p>“Was what hard?”</p><p>Finn wants to take his words back, but it’s too late. He presses on. “Getting out. Becoming…normal…again?”</p><p>“You mean out of slavery,” Jess deduces.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Jess jumps up onto a fallen log. She finds her balance and walks the mossy log alongside Finn as she talks. “Hate to break it to you, Finn, but…I’m not exactly what most people would call normal. I don’t think I ever will be. That whole…experience…it colors my world.”</p><p>“But you seem—”</p><p>“Normal? Ha. I mean, sure, I can blend: wear my mask of confidence and bravado—show off some swagger and be everything a pilot should be, right? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m a damn good pilot, so the attitude isn’t for nothing, but…” she shrugs and lets the thought drop. “Look, I can laugh and joke and pretend that nothing ever happened. I can keep it hidden inside or I can be flippant about it to try and take the sting out. And usually I can get away with that. But something <em>did </em>happen to me, I can’t change that and I can’t forget it. And sometimes, I can’t keep it in,” she finishes, her voice dark and quiet.</p><p>“I’ve never seen you like that.”</p><p>She laughs and jumps down off the log. “Ask Poe when he gets back. We’ve gone toe to toe more than either of us care to admit. When we were in the New Republic Navy, I would have been court martialed so fast if anyone other than Poe had been my CO. Almost was after he left. There’s a reason I signed up to be a pilot, Finn. And a reason I joined the Resistance.”</p><p>“Why is that? Being a pilot, I mean.”</p><p>“Control. When I’m in my X-Wing, I’m in control. I’m following Poe’s orders, sure, but he trusts me to do what I need to. It’s what makes him a great leader. And it means that I am the one who makes the final call on where my ship goes, when I fire, when I roll. That’s on me,” she says as the continue along the trail. “You’ll find that’s a pretty common thread amongst the pilots here. We tell people that we’re in it for the adrenaline, and that’s not <em>not </em>true, but most of us crave that control just as much as we do the high. Almost all of us had something happen that was out of our control and it scarred us—something that made us risk takers and daredevils, so long as we are in control of it. We don’t have a death wish exactly, but if we’re gonna die, we want it to be on our terms,” Jess tells him. The air around them is glowing orange in the light of a new day and the forest is starting to wake up. “And because of that, we’ve all accepted that an early death is a possibility.”</p><p>Jess reaches up for a tree branch and lets her body hang from it, stretching out her arms, shoulders, and back. “People think that pilots stick together because they’re aloof or elitists or whatever. But that’s not the truth. We stick together because we’re all messed up and we all know how broken each of us is and we get it—we trace each other’s lines and fit ourselves together into something resembling wholeness. It’s…easier than trying to let someone else try and figure out why you do what you do and try to fix you or contain you. Or trying to explain why you do what you do—risking your life every other day in an X-Wing.” She drops down from where she’d been stretching and meets Finn’s eyes. “I meant what I said when I told you that I get it. All of it. I won’t ever let myself be chained or controlled again, either. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that something like that never happens to me again. They won’t get me back there alive. I'll take myself out of play before they can.” She says, her voice sharper and more dangerous than he’s ever heard before.</p><p>“They’ll have to go through me, and I don’t back down,” Finn replies with her previous words. He’s proud that he kept voice was steady and maintained eye contact with Jess. He realizes, though, that he means it. Jess, for her part, stops and looks at him with an expression that Finn can’t quite identify before she starts laughing—not at him, but in surprise.</p><p>“Alright,” she laughs. “Alright then, Troopa.” She smiles and nods her head to continue down the trail.</p><p>“So how did you do it?” Finn asks. “Adjust, I mean.”</p><p>Jess smirks. “The unhealthy answer or the healthy answer?”</p><p>“Um…”</p><p>“Unhealthy answer is stubbornness, sarcasm, alcohol, and more racing close calls than necessary. The healthy answer is a lot of psytech appointments, good friends, taking care of myself, and a purpose.” She pauses, looking over at Finn. “You have three of those already. And when you’re ready, a psytech wouldn’t be a bad idea for you.”</p><p>“Hmm,” Finn hums noncommittally. He’s not sure he’s ready to talk about any of his past with just anyone. He might not ever be ready. Jess shrugs, but lets the subject drop.</p><p>“Is Poe like that, too?” Finn asks after a while. Jess makes a face, so he clarifies. “Seeking the control? Scarred by…something?”</p><p>“Oh Maker, no,” Jess snorts a laugh. “Poe had a pretty charmed childhood, to be honest. He’s just one of the weirdos who really was just born to fly. With parents like his, rebellion was bound to be in his blood. He once told me he was ‘owned by the stars’, whatever that means. He craves the adrenaline like oxygen,” she grins, thinking of her friend. “Besides, most of his shit happened when he was older or after he became a pilot, not before. And majority of that was his own damn fault.”</p><p>“What does that mean?”</p><p>“Not my place. I’ll only share my mess,” Jess shrugs. “Ask him sometime. He might tell you.” Finn knows there is a deep loyalty between Jess and Poe—deeper than any other relationship he’s ever witnessed. He knows it’s based on a shared experience and mutual trust and respect, but doesn’t know specifics. Because of this, he’s not surprised that Jess doesn’t give away anything. He also knows that it is extremely unlikely that he will ever ask Poe about his past.</p><p>Finn thinks about what Jess said about Poe’s childhood as they walk. “So that’s why he reacts so badly to what I say when I talk about First Order stuff,” he says.</p><p>“Finn, EVERYONE <em>should</em> react badly to what you say about your experience in the First Order,” Jess looks at him in disbelief. “What they did to you…it’s horrific.”</p><p>“You reacted differently than him, though. Just now.”</p><p>Jess closes her eyes and shakes her head ruefully. She opens her eyes and smiles sadly at Finn. “I guess I would, wouldn’t I? Given my reference point,” she shrugs.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Finn asks.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“It’s kind of a favor, so you can say no.”</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>“I just don’t want you to feel pressured by me or that I inconvenience you.”</p><p>“Finn. What?”</p><p>“When…when I need to talk about First Order stuff…about what happened to me…can I come find you? It…it upsets Poe and I don’t…”</p><p>“Of course,” Jess nodded. Finn kept going, having not heard her.</p><p>“It’s not that Poe won’t listen or try to help. He will. But he just—he gets so angry and sad and—” Jess grabs his hand to stop his ramble.</p><p>“He doesn’t have any context to work with. Yeah, I know—been there,” Jess gives him a knowing smile. “But I do. So yes, find me, anytime. Day or night, I’m always here for you.”</p><p>“Thank you. And you can come find me, too. If you ever…you know.”</p><p>Jess’s smile grows broader. “It’s been ten years for me and a lot of hours with a psytech, so I think I’ve got a handle on it now, Finn, but thank you. I’ll keep you in mind.”  </p><p>The two walk in silence. Jess seems to be just enjoying the fresh air, meanwhile Finn is trying to digest everything he has heard. The sun is fully up now and the forest light has lost its orange glow in exchange for the clean brightness of a new day.</p><p>Finn looks around the forest, reveling in the still-new sensation of viewing the world without a visor. He almost can’t believe this is his life now: that he is free of the white armor and rules that had controlled him for years, and that he has a place he belongs with food and a bed that are more than the bare minimum, friends who care about him, a commander he wants to follow, and a mission he truly believes in. He can’t believe that he matters to people for who he is, not what he can do for them. They’re approaching the end of the loop and will be back on base in a matter of minutes when he speaks again.</p><p>“Hey Jess?” he asks.</p><p>“Yeah?” she turns to face him, stopping on the trail. She knows where they are, too.</p><p>“Thanks,” he says, “for looking out for me.”</p><p>Jess smiles. “Always. That’s what we do in the Resistance—we look out for each other.”</p><p>The sounds from the landing strip grow louder as they finish their walk. The sun is fully up now and judging by the increased volume, there are far more people out now than there had been when they had left. Just before stepping out of the trees, Jess closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She shakes her head and bounces a few times on her toes. When she looks back at Finn, he realizes that she has put her ‘Pilot Mask’—the one made of confidence and bravado—back on. Her eyes are more mischievous than before and her serious demeanor has faded away. It’s both fascinating and terrifying to watch.</p><p>She looks at Finn. “Ready to go back?” Even her tone of voice seems different.</p><p>“Yeah,” he nods, “I think I’m good.” They step back out onto the landing strip and Finn asks “When do you think Poe will be back?” just as an X-Wing soars in over their heads. They both look up to see the familiar black hull gleaming in the morning light.</p><p>“Speak of the devil,” Jess grins and walks across the landing strip to where Black-1 is setting down, her hands jammed deep in her pockets.</p><p>Poe pops out of the canopy and waves at the pair of them. “Morning! Did you two come out just to welcome me home?” he shouts.</p><p>“In your dreams, Dameron,” Jess retorts. “My life is not all about you.”</p><p>“Could have fooled me. You always turn up in the most unlikely places.”</p><p>“Just ‘cause I’ve saved your ass more than a few times doesn’t mean anything.”</p><p>“Shut up. You love me.”</p><p>“That’s a stretch.”</p><p>“Where’s my droid?” he asks.</p><p>“Not my job to keep track of your junk.”</p><p>“They’re gonna zap you for calling them junk,” Poe threatens as he climbs down the latter from his cockpit. He jumps the last few rungs and hugs Jess tightly and presses a kiss to her hair. “Good to see you.”</p><p>“You, too,” she replies, her voice muffled by the shoulder of his flight suit. “Thanks for not dying.” </p><p>“Always for you,” Poe gives her an extra squeeze.</p><p>“Always for you,” Jess laughs. “So, how’d it go, Boss?”</p><p>“About as well as can be expected.”</p><p>“So nearly shot out of the sky?”</p><p>Poe grinned.</p><p>“Need to go to medical?”</p><p>“Na, didn’t go that badly. Just might have a warrant in another system. Got what General Organa needed, though, so that’s a plus,” he sighs before releasing the hug and holding her an arm’s length away, looking her in the eyes. “You okay?” he asks seriously. “Anything I need to know about?”</p><p>Finn notices that Jess’s schooled mask slips just a bit under Poe’s gaze. It’s a practiced slip, he realizes, letting Poe in just enough to know she’s ok. Finn watches how Poe reads her face and starts to understand a little more about what Jess means when she says that Poe goes ‘all in’ on his friends. This is what ‘all in’ looks like with him and Jess, at least right now.</p><p>“Me? Okay? Of course I’m okay. I’m always okay. I’m the Queen of Okay,” she grins, bravado back in place once again. “Just out for an early morning walk with Troopa. Had a good chat.”</p><p>Finn listens to Jess and Poe, understanding more of the subtext to their conversation that he hadn’t heard or understood before. He thinks he also understands what it meant for Jess to show him her other side in the forest. He realizes that it is something reserved only for the people closest to her—and she had invited him closer. In her own way, Jess had told him that she, also, is all in with him.  </p><p>“Are you really fine with her calling you ‘Troopa’, Finn?” Poe asks, moving over to hug Finn.</p><p>“Yeah,” he returns the hug. “It’s my past—I can’t change it and I can’t forget it, but just maybe, I can laugh at it and take some of the sting out.”</p><p>Poe narrows his eyes and smirks. “Sage words. Wonder where you heard those,” he elbows Jess.</p><p>She rolls her eyes and ducks around him, snagging his helmet from his hands and lightly tossing it in the air. “Hey, I’ve gotta question for you, Dameron. How exactly does your hair always look good after you’ve been wearing your helmet? Do you stop and fix it before you land? Use an absurd amount of product? What?” she teased. “Like, if I put this on is my hair gonna stick to all the leftover product? Is there residue or something?”</p><p>“Give it back.” He held his hand out for her to hand over his helmet.</p><p>“What, don’t you trust me?”</p><p>“With my life? Always. Not with my helmet, though. No way. Last time, you gave it to Snap and he hid it.”</p><p>She grinned as she backed away from the two men, still tossing Poe’s helmet in her hands. “Let’s go. Don’t know about you two, but I’m ready for some food. And some caf. So much caf.”</p><p>“You know, back in the New Republic Fleet, my subordinates at least treated me with respect,” Poe bemoans.</p><p>“Oh, <em>Poe,</em>” she says emphatically, “we never respected you.” She grins, tossing it in the air again, dangerously close to an X-Wing Missile Array.</p><p>“You break my visor, we’re gonna have a problem,” Poe threatens, but there’s no venom in his words.</p><p>“Please. I know how you fly. Like anything I could ever do is worse than how you treat this thing,” she tosses it up again. “And even if I did break it, you’d have to catch me first. And you know I’m fast,” she grins mischievously.</p><p>“Not that fast,” Poe retorts.</p><p>“Faster than you,” she winks and tosses the helmet back to him.</p><p>Poe catches the helmet easily and shouts after her “You’re a menace, Pava!” He watches as she walks away, one hand in her pocket, the other flipping him off over her shoulder. He breathes a laugh at his friend before concern fills his face.</p><p>“Tell me the truth,” Poe looks at Finn, “is she really good? She’s okay? Cause I’ve known her for years and I promise, Jessika Pava is not known for her cheery morning disposition and sunrise walks. Those usually mean something more is going on.”</p><p>“Yeah, she’s fine,” Finn smiles, understanding that Poe’s concern was further proof that Poe was all in with Jess. He feels a warm sensation when he realizes that that same concern also applies to him. “She was just helping a friend.”</p><p>“Helping a friend, eh? Alright, I’ll bite. So then how about you?”</p><p>Finn nods, “I’m…” he stops himself from replying something automatic and wrong. He considers for a moment before answering. “I’m alright. I’m getting there. Little better every day.”</p><p>“That’s good, Finn, that’s really good,” Poe tells Finn with a grin.</p><p>“I’ll be better with caf, though,” Finn amends.</p><p>Poe laughs. “You and me both, buddy.” He pulls his flight gloves off and puts them in his helmet. He climbs a few rungs of the latter to be able to drop his belongings into the cockpit until after breakfast. “Let’s go, before Testor drinks all the caf,” Poe says, jumping back to the ground.</p><p>"She doesn't drink that much caf, does she?"</p><p>"You'd be surprised."</p><p>Finn grins and the two start off towards the mess. Just before they enter the hanger, Finn grabs Poe’s shoulder and stops him. “Thanks for going all in with me,” he says, squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Poe asked, puzzled.</p><p>“This whole…experience…thing. What I’m going through. It’s a lot. And I appreciate you being with me through all of it.”</p><p>Poe smiles what Jess calls his ‘hero’ smile. “Always. You know you’re not in this alone anymore, right?”</p><p>“I’m starting to get that,” Finn says with a small grin as he follows Poe to the mess.</p>
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